I’ve been struggling as of late with this strange feeling of disconnect. It often feels like I’m experiencing the world through a veil. I can’t taste or see or listen or feel quite like I used to. I mean, I eat and watch and listen and love, but It all feels dampened. Like I am not present for this life that I’m living. Like I’m living it one person removed, watching from behind my own shoulder.
When my sister died two years ago, I felt determined to live life to the fullest. To not ever once again say that I took it or anyone for granted. But living life to the fullest seems so subjective. Like, I bet Mari would have loved to sit here on the couch and watch TV one more day. She did not want to die. Any day, even the most mundane, would have been living and isn’t living at all living to the fullest?
I think I have placed unrealistic expectations on myself, and I’m unsure how to detangle and undo the vision I had of myself from the real me. The person I am.