To Resolve

This will be my 29th year. It doesn’t feel very different than my 28th or 27th or even 21st year, for that matter. In my twenties I got  my B.A., was promoted, bought a home, got married, been some places and seen some things. I’ve lost friends, gained new ones, seen some very special boys become precious and beautiful men. I haven’t done quite as much as I wish I had, and I’m not where I wish I was, but that’s not the point. The point is to move, to grow and change, redefining goals to fit the life you’re living and not the one you dreamed up in high school.

To be truthful, I’m in a good place, I feel happy in ways that I haven’t in a long time. But I don’t want to confuse fulfillment with contentment. I am afraid of stagnation. As it is a new year, and this 2015 marks my last year as a twenty-something, I thought a look at my life was in order. Below are the very broad resolutions I’ve made for this year. These are not goals to be accomplished or ticked off a long list when December rolls around once more. They are myself at my truest and best.

I Want to Work at What I Love

If I had to take the one thing about my life I disliked the most, it would be my job. The work isn’t particularly hard, and I actually get along quite well with the people, but it isn’t work I’m passionate about. It is bureaucratic and uninspired. I don’t pretend that I’ll be able to just up and quit my job. That’s a luxury I am not afforded, but what I do intend to do is write and create more. I have a tendency to lean on excuses. Around this time last year I was working two jobs I didn’t like in order to make end’s meet. I leaned far more heavily on that excuse than I needed to, though, and I lost touch with the things I really love and enjoy doing. The thing is, it’s really easy to convince yourself you’re too tired to do a thing. As long as you pay your debts on time, the world in general doesn’t care if your job makes you happy. The temporary relief of wasted hours in front of a TV over a long period of time adds up to a lot of nothing. That nothing starts to weigh you down, though. Right now I am heavy with nothing. I crave fulfillment. I want to do work that is mine, that I’m proud of and that feels special.

Get to Know My City

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I give Miami a lot of shit. From its weather to its culture, it is often one-note. To be perfectly honest, Miami is not the city I want to live a whole life in. But Miami is where I was born. As I’ve aged I’ve found a new appreciation for the place. Once, a teacher told me, “Think of all the people that go their whole lives without seeing the ocean.” Every morning I drive over the Julia Tuttle causeway and utter those words and kick myself. We don’t appreciate what we have. I am often so busy longing for cities I can’t get to, all the while confining myself to the four walls of my bedroom.  The ocean is at my doorstep and I don’t dance in it enough. This city is not New York or San Francisco, but it has grown and there’s a charm to it. As an adult with access to money and a vehicle I have no excuses. I want to partake more, see and know Miami so that I am truly of it.

Get My Health Right

I used to run. I do a lot of sitting right now. It shows. Just like the writing, the running fell by the wayside once I had an excuse. There are no more excuses I find acceptable, though. I don’t feel comfortable, and it’s disappointing to see progress you’ve made just disappear. Nothing is as sobering as attempting to run a mile, after not having run in a long time. But sitting on your ass, being disappointed achieves nothing. I want to run again, and build a body that’s strong and endures. I feel weak in a lot of ways. My mind and my body soft from lack of effort. I want to run and read more, and take my body and my mind to those uncomfortable places that break and rebuild it.

In short, it seems the overarching theme for 2015 is that there are no excuses. That works.

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One thought on “To Resolve

  1. Amen! I’m on the same boat – Together we can motivate each other to follow our dreams. Love you! Ps. Happy to be a part of your 20s in transition to you 30s!

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