As I’m sure many are aware, Disney has been ransacking their vault as of late and re-releasing their older films in theaters as 3D features. I generally hate this kind of thing, an obvious ploy for money on former glories. Not to mention my disdain for 3D, which in general adds absolutely nothing to the “movie experience.” As much as I’m underwhelmed by all of this (and Disney World), I am a huge fan of Disney animated films. Especially Beauty and the Beast, the film Disney is currently exploiting. A film I was so obsessed with as a kid that I, no joke, knew every word spoken in it. I would run home from school every day, pop it in and sit there reciting every word uttered by every character, main or background, having the time of life.
This weekend, I and a group of friends decided to take a walk down memory lane. So we went, and in a theater filled with children relived the magic. Except sometimes things aren’t as great as you remember them. It turns out Beauty and the Beast makes no fucking sense. How things happen, how we get from plot point A to plot point B, I could not wrap my head around it. I mean I still love it, because you can’t help but love the things you adored as a kid. But wow, what the fuck? Below is a list of questions and concerns that came up as I watched, but was obviously too stupid to note as a kid.
- Belle likes to read and that is what singles her out as weirdo. I wish Belle was beautiful, liked to read and also crafted dolls out of belly button lint. That’s a real weirdo.
- Le Fou and Gaston have a real homoerotic thing going on.
- Mrs. Potts looks way too old to have a toddler aged kid.
- Where is chip chipped as a human?? And are all those other teacups Mrs. Potts’ as well??
- That horse is way too fucking skittish. Three fucking times it throws its passenger overboard. Time to get a new fucking horse.
- Why doesn’t Belle try to escape? And then she refuses to have dinner with him, but goes poking around where he asked her not to? This bitch is asking for it.
- Those wolves won’t let up.
- How does Belle’s dad ever get behind her and Beast hooking up? Dude kidnapped him, then kidnaps her. I would be really worried that my kid had some severe case of stockholm syndrome.
- Cogsworth is losing pieces left and right. Aren’t those his organs?
- Toward the end, Le Fou threatens Lumiere with a torch, but he’s been lighting his own wick the entire film.
- Gaston jumps to the conclusion the Belle is in love with Beast before ever knowing that Beast can like talk, walk, emote, etc. etc. He just assumes she’s got some secret bestiality bug.
- Why does human beast flair his nostrils? (This I noted as a kid and it freaked me out then as much as it does now.)
