Procrastination is my monster, my demon, my cross. I am the queen of putting things on hold. From spending more time with the dogs to working out to planning my wedding, I somehow manage to put things on hold until it’s so late I’m driving myself insane. Even when it comes to something as leisure as watching a movie, which drives Jeremy absolutely bananas, I can somehow find a way to put it off. I insist on my movies going at the top of the Netflix queue and yet when they get here, the movies just sit around the TV, not being watched. I’m not even quite sure why I do this. I have all the intentions of doing the things I say I’ll do. I make schedules, lists, plans and then the time gets here and I really can’t even say what I do instead. Where does the time go?
My excuse has always been that I work and go to school full time and so really I have no time. I’m so often complaining about my lack of energy, how my brain is fried and that’s why it’s so hard for me to get things done. I decided to take the second half of the summer off though and I made a whole bunch of promises to myself. I swore I would take advantage of the time and get things fucking done. Yet, here I am, midway through summer with movies I should have watched piled around me, stories and articles that could have been written in limbo, those 10lbs I should have lost still clinging to my waist line, no driver’s license and a wedding barreling down on me in four measly months for which I have planned ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
I hate to do this, but I blame myself. I’m a grown up for Christ’s sake and there’s no valid excuse to hide behind anymore, other than I’m just really fucking lazy. That’s just not acceptable anymore. I don’t want to be the lazy person. In high school I prided myself in never being there, in barely trying and still getting passing grades. I prided myself in being the one that slept throughout the majority of class, but could still get enough of the material and get along well enough with teachers so that it didn’t matter. Now though, I look back, and I wish I’d tried harder. My grades were good, but they could have been better and I missed so much opting out of school and staying home to do nothing instead.
I can’t change that, though. I can, however, not allow myself to continue down that path. I have very specific wants and desires and the only person that can achieve them is myself. So I have about a month and a half before school starts again. I’m going to write and plan my wedding, get in shape and get a driver’s license. Then when school starts I’ll keep going because if you really want things you need to make sacrifices.
